The Battle of Water-Loo

Imagine you’re traveling in a train on your way to meeting the crazy , fun , friendly people of wherever. From the very first chug of the engine your energies concentrate on the bundle of joy that you so desperately seek in order to whiz past the “long stop” station of monotonic life. Your thoughts and experiences make you think that this little bubble of happy time awaits you with arms wide open standing miles clear of all that has been routine.
The journey has been good so far and the fellow travelers seem mature, content people who seem to have fought their way past the inhibitors of civilization to become what they are, mature, content people. You’re wrong.
Invariably ,the above category accounts for only 13.7 percent of entire human population( no quotas applicable here Mr.Arjun Singh :P). The rest begin to showcase the talent of their being holes in the latter part of ‘harass’ very soon. With fifteen minutes left to your dream destination, you begin to see conglomeration of souls near the end of the compartment. The object in question, or rather the warm ,hot centre of intrest happens to be the “Loo”. I aint kidding.
The ugly head of “doing things at the last minute” trait of us humans raises its head at times like this and , in a jiffy, rips apart any notion of, like I said, contentment and maturity.
All age groups, 40 something uncles, old stooped fellows, fat middle aged women suddenly find themselves standing in a sea of urgency and desperation waiting for their turn to occupy the ‘chair’. What surprises me more are the raised eyebrows, the twitches of forehead, the uncanny curve of the lips that surface everytime someone extends the time spent in the royal chamber beyond a stipulated time limit which always is too small.
This behaviour is totally inexplicable and amusing. It even gave me an idea to write this s***.

Disastrous Ramblings 2

The superficiality of human relations amazes me. I will not bail myself out from the general lot because i am myself as much guilty as any other specimen of the human race. Lets face it, we do not give a damn as to how our 'acquaintances' are. This category consists of people whom we wish just coz they have been around for a long time, faces we pass everyday, people we hardly remember names of without too much stress on our tiny brain cells. There is no other basis for that false smile we cover our face with when we meet them. In fact so obvious is our dismissive attitude that a stereotypical conversation goes something like this:
A (Passing the other person): "Hey, how are you?"
B: "Hey, how ar you doing?"
Neither of them shall wait for the reply nor be intrested to provide one. Aint it funny?

Disastrous Ramblings 1

Ok, so why would anyone name something they sell "Verna",in India? Hyundai is the company in question ,brim-filled with a plethora of Mr.Koni Chi Wung's.( These Chinese fellows not only look the same, they even sound the same). People who buy this are invariably gonna find themselves in provocative situations. For example, look at the following conversation outside a discotheque:
Mr. Sinha: Allow me to go inside. The host must have forgotten to put my name on the list. He did invite me.
Bouncer:Sorry Sir, its not in my hands.
Mr.Sinha: I have been waiting for this party for long,drove 10 kms all the way from my home in "Verna" and.......
Bouncer (interuppting): Warna kya......huh.....warna kya?
And Mr.Sinha gets a good pounding. At least they can merchandise it with a statuatory warning.What say?

Utter Nonsense 4

It so happens sometimes that you write a scrap to someone on Orkut but don't want the other person to be there. Here you say "Hi wats up" and nanoseconds later comes a reply" Im good, u say" as if they are just waiting for this little initiative from you to start a conversation. Then, you are left with nothing to say because for you, all your friendship with that person is just that question and anwer,albeit at different times. Such situations can be deal breakers. You cant pretend to be away, you cant reply to anyone else's scraps, you just blankly stare at the screen and are forced to logout!!!!!!!!!!
Here are a list of excuses that Prof. Manubert Manraistein has come up with for a possible escape from this nasty situation:

1.Pretend you have had a sudden attack of dyslexia. Scribble gibberish like"gdtydygkhftydy7iuy" and scrap back. Next time, they wont dare reply within 10 hours of your scrap.

2.Scrap back "Do i know you?". Lest assured, a few minutes will pass before other person comes back to their senses. Scrap back next day scolding them for not understanding your humourous attempt.

3.Reply back with each word as a separate scrap. No more scraps guaranteed.

4.Tell them you are a very religious person and have'nt taken a shower for a week waiting for the most auspicious "Mahurat" which is 2 minutes from now which if missed, will keep you hydrophobic for another fortnight. All you'll get as a reply is something girlish like "Yukkkk" or "Ewwwww". Problem solved.

Utter Nonsense 3

So what is it with all the fuss about the existence of the Loch Ness Monster? If someone can give me Kautiliyan Arguments for the following observations, i'll be more than happy to rest my case.

1.If it indeed a "monster", why is it scared of us humans. I have never heard a story of abducting, leave aside devouring any mortals all the while i have heard about it.

2.Is it camera shy, i mean somehow all its pictures are either smudgy, foggy leaving more questions than answers over their truth. look at Godzilla, it even starred in movies!

3. Is it a Mr. Loch Ness or a Ms. Loch Ness, in that case i can only pity its life. It also raises another question.....to propagate its lineage, does it self-copulate?

4.If there are actually a Mr. and Mrs. Loch Ness, are they on a "Hum Do Hamare Do" norm? Wish Indians were also following it as devotedly.

5. If there has been only one such creature, i feel its damn old and pretty fucked up, why bother?

Utter Nonsense 2

1.If Fevi-Kwik were to be applied by girls on their lips, will it be called LIPSTUCK?

2.Even the greatest stories ever told have in them, untold ballads of pain, grief and gloom and it takes severe pondering and understanding to bring these sagas to the fore. The most tragic of all stories cmomes to my mind when i think of Sholay.Its widely considered to be the best Bollywood movie . All of us know the famous characters, Gabbar, Thakur, Basanti et al. Now spare a moment for Ramu Kaka, Thakur's servant, perhaps the greatest blunder in any script ever( talking in terms of the kind of life the character leads). Lets analyse his life a bit.
Ramu Kaka is old,wears shabby clothes, he watches Radha( Jaya Bhaduri) everyday and cant make a move, he probably has no family, he lives a loner's life. But the real reason i feel sorry for him is that he has to accompany Thakur when "Nature Calls" him. Well.........you get the point.

Utter Nonsense 1

If all goes well, around four good friends of mine are going to get admissions in IIM this time around coupled with the already existing number of such species. I am going to instruct them to call me up within 24 hours of the declaration of CAT'08 result. So I'll be expecting a few calls from IIM now onwards.

HQ Test

After a lot of contemplation and understanding of the world surrounding me, I have come to the conclusion that every person has an HQ i.e. Humour Quotient. Yes its true my friends, it does exist. It did take a lot of study and careful experiments to derive a formula for calculating it. This formula sure is beyond the scope of this blog, but what I do have for you here is an easy way to determine your ‘approximate’ HQ. All you have to do is to take this questionnaire and be done with it. Here it comes…..

1. You see your nerd friend immersed in "How to Look Good Even Without the Mouchtache" at the library. You
a) ‘Boo’ him/her from behind and scare the shit out of him/her..
b) Tap gently on shoulder and ask how they are doing.
c) Grab the book and smash it in their face.

2. You’re driving and get stuck in a traffic jam. You
a) Start honking in the tune of your favorite song.
b) Wait patiently till the traffic starts moving.
c) Take out the car-jack and smash it in the face of the driver in front.

3. You’re at a rave party and your institute's bald,arrogant principal shows up. You
a) Start shouting “ Check out the big brain of ( your principals name)”
b) Go greet him/her and touch his/her feet.
c) Grab a chair and smash it in his/her face.

4. You’re at a construction site of the newly approved archipelago of luxury hotels with the engineer. You
a) Use crane for swinging about in the air and sing "Yeh Dil Deewana" from Pardes.
b) Roam around applauding the progress.
c) Grab a brick and smash it in engineer’s face.

5. Its your 10th anniversary of a turbulent marriage . You
a) get high with your soul-mate and roam about the streets.
b) take her out for dinner and spend time together.
c)order a cake and smash it in her face.

6. You’re playing "mohalla cricket" to impress the blonde haired hottie who lives in your block and the umpire gives you out. You
a) mimic him and tell him that he should raise a different finger if he wants to go pee.
b) do a Gilchrist, walk off shaking your head.
c) smash the bat in umpire’s face.

7.You meet Katrina Kaif walking on the beach. You
a) whistle aloud shouting that she’s an amazing item.
b) compliment her and ask her if she’ll marry you
c) grab a crab and smash it in her face.

8) You meet a bearded beggar at the traffic lights with 3 painful minutes before the light tuns green. You,
a) laugh at him and tell him to get a Gillette Mach 3 razor.
b) sympathise and part off with some money.
c) grab his bowl and smash it in his face.

9. You win a baby slapping competition creating a record with 113 slaps in 1 minute and are awarded a trophy. You
a) give a one hour long speech thanking each and every person you know.
b) shake hands with the chief guest and gracefully except it.
c) smash the trophy in chief guest’s face.

10.Your always cribbing lady neighbour shows you her newly adopted puppy. You
a) paint its fur crimson and tell her that now it matches with her lipstick shade.
b) hold it and mention what a fine breed it is.
c) hold the puppy by its legs and smash it in your neighbours face.

Now all the A’s are for two points, B’s are for one and C’s are for zero. Talking in CAT terms, a score of 20 gives 100 percentile. I hope you can calculate where you stand.

P.S. Even if you have a single C, damn you’re a maniac. Get away from my blog