Celebrity Crap and Other Such Shit

What the fuck is wrong with people who go crazy when they see a celebrity?

What in the holy name of Christ are you going to do when you see one?

Its just another person for heavens sake, not a weird creature from the zoo or an alien or a life form of the third kind!

Hypothetically speaking, lets say you're in a room and ABC( some bigshot celebrity) walks in, what the fuck are you going to do? Say a hello?...granted. Get a picture clicked....granted.

Anything more? By Jove not.

Yet i see people going crazy, murmurs of him/her being around won't die down. 

Lets be a little critical here and this by no means is any offence to anyone who is a believer in doing all the crap that you do when a Shahrukh Khan is around, I give a shit no matter who you are. 

Today, Pankaj Advani(for those who are amongst my ignorant brethren, he is a champion pool and snooker player for India, maybe billiards too, what the hell, its all the same, all you have to do is put the ball in hole with the stick....no pun intended). Alongside him, rather in his lap(and i crap you not) was Robin Uthappa. I am sitting 10 metres away, and i did the right thing, i didnt give a fuck. He maybe be Pankaj, and he may be Robin.... in their own homes. All I cared about was that it was the OPUS quiz night and the beer in my hand, And I had a gala time. End of story.

I'm Frikkin Bored

1.If the Leaning Tower of Pisa leans at 13 degrees to the vertical, why is Zee Cafe not included in the Big TV Southern Delight package?

2.If Samsung, then why was he not heard?

3.Explain in 37 words what you would get on Fourier transforming a cat.

4.Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

5.Its not you, its me. Explain

6.Determine  the frictional force needed to overcome the anger you have for yourself?

7.Why are you angry with yourself?

8.In what ways does a remote control?

9.War, what is it good for?

10.Do Australians call rest of the world UP OVER?

11.Do you love me?

12.If your neighbour tells you that your door transmorgifies at night into a balloon, does that mean the apple yard now needs more alcohol?

13.5 Point Someone....How?

14.Using Schroedinger's theory, prove that you are reading this and also not reading this at the same time.

15.Why do you have to seal a leakage...... Why not crab it?

16.Why are you?

17. Seriously, why are you?

18.A man ran around a tree 43 times and then took a bath. Why?

19.Using a shrapnel and a t-shirt, how long will it take to restore peace in Malaysia?

20.What is the adivantic equivalent of a semi-nivadic glanmesting schiropatic?

21.Scooby Doo, where are you?

22.Write the 6th state of matter after Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma, Anti-Matter and Matter of Fact.

23.Without the use of scale, measure Schawazwarchild radius of Schawazwarchild.

24. Find out who Eric Cantona is. Is he not?

25.Ten leaves crashed a wedding. Why?

Corporaeity

So time and now, the question arises as to what is Corporaeity. Is it a thought, is it a religion, is it some divine fact?A little rant of the brain tells you that Corporaeity is a way of life. It is a code of conduct to survive in the big bad world of hungry wolves. Since times immemorial, man has been living in society that has a basic heirarchial structure. You have people above you, you have people under you, those people have people above and below them. Ironically, no one has been able to find out who lies at the top or the botom of the hierarchial pyramid.Now the rules of Corporaeity are:
1: Corporaeity is not corporationness. They both sound similar but are in fact miles apart. Corporationness is the package that Corporaeity comes in. Its like the wrapper of deceit and make-believe world that we have become so accustomed to.
2:Never ever ever shout at your senior. Like barney said, there is a shouting pyramid. Your bosses boss can shout at your boss, your boss shouts at you, you shout at your friend, your friend shouts at her mom, her mom shouts at the kids in her school, the kid in school shouts at her father who happens to be your boss'es boss.So, to be in accurate word, its rather a Circle more than a pyramid.
3:Friendships are under a lot of strain in the Corporate world. Corporeity can save them!Yes its true. Follow a simple fact that you are still in college. Its like Orbit White....its working!!!!
4:A bird in hand is not worth two in the bush. This is because birds are dirty creatures that'll make your hands full of poop. Trust me, its not a good thing to have on your hands.
5:Never play Coldplay songs at work or people you work with.Most people like them and this may lead to unnecessary interference in your personal life.
6.Never go out with a girl/guy (applicable to guys and gals respectively(exceptions allowed)) who has a scar on the right elbow beneath the third bone of the seventh kind.These are people who cannot be trusted.
7:Do not ever ever carry rubber, pencil and scale to office. Scales are one of the things that can be used against you to beat u up. For all those who have been school brats, its an exception.
8: Never be too nice to anyone, people will hate you.The most hated person is the one who is the nicest, hated even by the people who he/she is being nice to.
9:The spelling of Corporaeity is Corporaeity, not Corporaity, not Coprority, not Corporaiity, not even Porkogravity. Porkogravity is a different religion altogether.We will talk about that some other time.

Kill Kittu - Vol.1

So what is it with Kittu that defies logic? And by using just the word logic, I am making an understatement , in fact, unleashing my disgust and overstating, Kittu is a blot on the face of humanity. Seldom have I come across anyone who is more disgusting than rat poop on a newly laid marble floor.

Kittu knows everything and wants you to know everything, he is the frikkin Encyclopedia Brittanica- Final Edition.

All the knowledge in the world begins and ends with Kittu. Kittu is so nice that everyone hates him. His company is out of this world, people love him and Kittu loves people. No one wants him around for more than seven and a half seconds. But when you're up against the Devil, you dont have a choice do you....and so, time dilates and no one realises 2 hours have passed, merrily.

Kittu is fond of women. The moment he spends more than 4 nanoseconds with one girl, a cat fight is always around the corner. Kittu is irresistable to the girls.

You can never not get a joke that Kittu cracks. He will ensure to share it in a group, and is kind enough to discuss it again with all the members of the same group....individually. What has amazed the philosophers for long is the fact that Kittu is never wrong. Descartes once said "I think therefore I am". Kittu does not think and is still there!

Fan Mail 1

In case you do not know Barney, you will not relate to this entry....trust me.

Dear Barney,
I must mention that this is one of the greatest pieces of literature ever prepared on earth. The depth and insight it offers to a naïve individual about subtle nuances of life is phenomenal. I must also mention here that your apartment is the epitome of technology and encompasses 30% of the desires of men. The rest 70% being women, booze and more women and more booze. I am mesmerized by your profound style and impeccable way of living. I have a question in mind. Please guide me as to why guys start talking in strange vocabulary after they get into relationships.

Regards,
Rohan Kapoor


Dear Rohan,
What you have mentioned above is beyond doubt true. The problem that you have put up is called “Acute RelatioLamosis”, a problem widely prevalent yet underestimated.Recently connected data by Ministry of Dudes has put the figure at an alarming 73% of male population of the world. It starts when a guy starts talking excessively to a girl and refuses to fulfill his duty which is to equally divide his time between several girls. You see, when a guy talks to multiple gals, he fails to pick up any girlish slang. Even if he does, they cancel each other out as different girls have different names for same things and men are bad at remembering names. On the contrary, a man in a relationship is showered with “jaanu” meaning “life”, “jaan” meaning “ life” but in a less girly way, “ neenu aayi hai” meaning “I am feeling sleepy”, “aap neenu kar lo” meaning “you go to sleep” and in some extreme cases “aap neenu kar lo jaanu” (its meaning can be deciphered), so on and so forth uptil infinity or break-up, whichever is earlier. His neuro-psychological system is then stressed with persistent stimuli of the third kind resulting in weird responses, over-excitement, unnecessary jumping and even permanent impairment of the speech. Sadly Rohan, a cure for this disease has not been found yet. Break-up offers temporary relief but it has been observed that the infection strikes again before the body has enough time to recuperate.

Regards,

Barney

PEC......Things

I am nostalgic. I really am. I vividly remember mocking my then 4th year seniors as they cried and howled as they hugged each other bading gudbye. The feeling was similar at the end of second year barring the fact that i was attached to some of them too and felt saddened by their departure.Third year ended and some of my closest buddies heralded a new era in their life. And finally its me!
From a surprised first yearite who almost mocked the wet eyed seniors to a wet eyed senior myself, its been a long journey.
But its not about me, is it?
Its about PEC....errrrr...PEC ( Deemed University)
I dont wanna write about people, i dont wanna write about my friends,enemies, people i was indifferent to,my teachers..... i just wont be able to justify their importance in my life.
I wanna talk about things that define PEC, that have been here and will be, shaping, grooming the endless stream of to-be engineers. These have gona a long way in deciding the characteristics of the syntatic gap between my neurons.
Workshops: Once there were Nazi gas chambers, now there are PEC workshops. many of us owe their muscular development, burns, scars to these dingy,smelling confinements. However they have offered umpteen oppurtunities for us to mock the incharges that inhabit them. The ever abusing Carpentry guy to the fashion conscious Amita 'Hair' Chawla.Worshops lay the foundation of what defines us as engineers...JUGAAD. Yeah, thats right:P
Cafeteria: It closed down and a million hearts stopped beating. Cafeteria has been the warm hot centre of adrenalin.Bobby, amritsari kulcha,the all important TV, nescafe et al, I feel weird as i write about this. Behind the good PR skills of a PEC passout lies the cafe. and if the cafe died, so did the ramp. Besides providing a safe haven for 'Coochie-cooing' to innumerable love birds, it provided ideal discussion forum to decide what all is gonna be in a day's work.
Verka: "3 mentos for Rs.2. WHY? Because i got less than expected in the box i bought"
"Chocobar for Rs.13 WHY? Beacuse electricity bills burn a big hole in my pocket"
No one in this world can beat this dickhead that operates Verka in matters of cribbing and lamenting the society for his own sadness. This guy can actually depress you, make you hate this world and even contemplate taking extreme steps. A perfect candidate to fit the bill for " Permission to smack without any logical reason" category. Mr. Verka Jr. too seems keen in stepping into his fathers shoes. God Bless PEC.
Library: A place to study, a haven for silent introspection, a temple for seekers of knowledge. These phrases can be said for any other library but this one. First of all, its full of fakers....people who have come in just to enjoy the AC, then it has the above mentioned coochie-cooers, next come those who have nothing better to do than stare at these coochie-cooers and finally if somebody does come in to study, Mr. Library Incharge has a knack to almost always pick out the most diligent student for a one to one session.
Ganne Wala: What do you do if you feel like a declod pregnant cat lying lazily on a hot sunday afternoon. You're right, you go to the sugarcane juice selling Veerappan. If this guy is to be believed, he's been aroung for last 28 years in the college. Now that certainly makes him a candidate for the Directorship:P
Mirchi: Kisiko Mirchi lagi and this guy got a new name, a name that has become synonymous with shakes, paranthas, maggi and Pec-Market in our college. His dishes have formed the basis of many a healthy diets and have laid foundation of the many a healthy hostellers we meet.

The Battle of Water-Loo

Imagine you’re traveling in a train on your way to meeting the crazy , fun , friendly people of wherever. From the very first chug of the engine your energies concentrate on the bundle of joy that you so desperately seek in order to whiz past the “long stop” station of monotonic life. Your thoughts and experiences make you think that this little bubble of happy time awaits you with arms wide open standing miles clear of all that has been routine.
The journey has been good so far and the fellow travelers seem mature, content people who seem to have fought their way past the inhibitors of civilization to become what they are, mature, content people. You’re wrong.
Invariably ,the above category accounts for only 13.7 percent of entire human population( no quotas applicable here Mr.Arjun Singh :P). The rest begin to showcase the talent of their being holes in the latter part of ‘harass’ very soon. With fifteen minutes left to your dream destination, you begin to see conglomeration of souls near the end of the compartment. The object in question, or rather the warm ,hot centre of intrest happens to be the “Loo”. I aint kidding.
The ugly head of “doing things at the last minute” trait of us humans raises its head at times like this and , in a jiffy, rips apart any notion of, like I said, contentment and maturity.
All age groups, 40 something uncles, old stooped fellows, fat middle aged women suddenly find themselves standing in a sea of urgency and desperation waiting for their turn to occupy the ‘chair’. What surprises me more are the raised eyebrows, the twitches of forehead, the uncanny curve of the lips that surface everytime someone extends the time spent in the royal chamber beyond a stipulated time limit which always is too small.
This behaviour is totally inexplicable and amusing. It even gave me an idea to write this s***.

Disastrous Ramblings 2

The superficiality of human relations amazes me. I will not bail myself out from the general lot because i am myself as much guilty as any other specimen of the human race. Lets face it, we do not give a damn as to how our 'acquaintances' are. This category consists of people whom we wish just coz they have been around for a long time, faces we pass everyday, people we hardly remember names of without too much stress on our tiny brain cells. There is no other basis for that false smile we cover our face with when we meet them. In fact so obvious is our dismissive attitude that a stereotypical conversation goes something like this:
A (Passing the other person): "Hey, how are you?"
B: "Hey, how ar you doing?"
Neither of them shall wait for the reply nor be intrested to provide one. Aint it funny?

Disastrous Ramblings 1

Ok, so why would anyone name something they sell "Verna",in India? Hyundai is the company in question ,brim-filled with a plethora of Mr.Koni Chi Wung's.( These Chinese fellows not only look the same, they even sound the same). People who buy this are invariably gonna find themselves in provocative situations. For example, look at the following conversation outside a discotheque:
Mr. Sinha: Allow me to go inside. The host must have forgotten to put my name on the list. He did invite me.
Bouncer:Sorry Sir, its not in my hands.
Mr.Sinha: I have been waiting for this party for long,drove 10 kms all the way from my home in "Verna" and.......
Bouncer (interuppting): Warna kya......huh.....warna kya?
And Mr.Sinha gets a good pounding. At least they can merchandise it with a statuatory warning.What say?

Utter Nonsense 4

It so happens sometimes that you write a scrap to someone on Orkut but don't want the other person to be there. Here you say "Hi wats up" and nanoseconds later comes a reply" Im good, u say" as if they are just waiting for this little initiative from you to start a conversation. Then, you are left with nothing to say because for you, all your friendship with that person is just that question and anwer,albeit at different times. Such situations can be deal breakers. You cant pretend to be away, you cant reply to anyone else's scraps, you just blankly stare at the screen and are forced to logout!!!!!!!!!!
Here are a list of excuses that Prof. Manubert Manraistein has come up with for a possible escape from this nasty situation:

1.Pretend you have had a sudden attack of dyslexia. Scribble gibberish like"gdtydygkhftydy7iuy" and scrap back. Next time, they wont dare reply within 10 hours of your scrap.

2.Scrap back "Do i know you?". Lest assured, a few minutes will pass before other person comes back to their senses. Scrap back next day scolding them for not understanding your humourous attempt.

3.Reply back with each word as a separate scrap. No more scraps guaranteed.

4.Tell them you are a very religious person and have'nt taken a shower for a week waiting for the most auspicious "Mahurat" which is 2 minutes from now which if missed, will keep you hydrophobic for another fortnight. All you'll get as a reply is something girlish like "Yukkkk" or "Ewwwww". Problem solved.

Utter Nonsense 3

So what is it with all the fuss about the existence of the Loch Ness Monster? If someone can give me Kautiliyan Arguments for the following observations, i'll be more than happy to rest my case.

1.If it indeed a "monster", why is it scared of us humans. I have never heard a story of abducting, leave aside devouring any mortals all the while i have heard about it.

2.Is it camera shy, i mean somehow all its pictures are either smudgy, foggy leaving more questions than answers over their truth. look at Godzilla, it even starred in movies!

3. Is it a Mr. Loch Ness or a Ms. Loch Ness, in that case i can only pity its life. It also raises another question.....to propagate its lineage, does it self-copulate?

4.If there are actually a Mr. and Mrs. Loch Ness, are they on a "Hum Do Hamare Do" norm? Wish Indians were also following it as devotedly.

5. If there has been only one such creature, i feel its damn old and pretty fucked up, why bother?

Utter Nonsense 2

1.If Fevi-Kwik were to be applied by girls on their lips, will it be called LIPSTUCK?

2.Even the greatest stories ever told have in them, untold ballads of pain, grief and gloom and it takes severe pondering and understanding to bring these sagas to the fore. The most tragic of all stories cmomes to my mind when i think of Sholay.Its widely considered to be the best Bollywood movie . All of us know the famous characters, Gabbar, Thakur, Basanti et al. Now spare a moment for Ramu Kaka, Thakur's servant, perhaps the greatest blunder in any script ever( talking in terms of the kind of life the character leads). Lets analyse his life a bit.
Ramu Kaka is old,wears shabby clothes, he watches Radha( Jaya Bhaduri) everyday and cant make a move, he probably has no family, he lives a loner's life. But the real reason i feel sorry for him is that he has to accompany Thakur when "Nature Calls" him. Well.........you get the point.

Utter Nonsense 1

If all goes well, around four good friends of mine are going to get admissions in IIM this time around coupled with the already existing number of such species. I am going to instruct them to call me up within 24 hours of the declaration of CAT'08 result. So I'll be expecting a few calls from IIM now onwards.

HQ Test

After a lot of contemplation and understanding of the world surrounding me, I have come to the conclusion that every person has an HQ i.e. Humour Quotient. Yes its true my friends, it does exist. It did take a lot of study and careful experiments to derive a formula for calculating it. This formula sure is beyond the scope of this blog, but what I do have for you here is an easy way to determine your ‘approximate’ HQ. All you have to do is to take this questionnaire and be done with it. Here it comes…..

1. You see your nerd friend immersed in "How to Look Good Even Without the Mouchtache" at the library. You
a) ‘Boo’ him/her from behind and scare the shit out of him/her..
b) Tap gently on shoulder and ask how they are doing.
c) Grab the book and smash it in their face.

2. You’re driving and get stuck in a traffic jam. You
a) Start honking in the tune of your favorite song.
b) Wait patiently till the traffic starts moving.
c) Take out the car-jack and smash it in the face of the driver in front.

3. You’re at a rave party and your institute's bald,arrogant principal shows up. You
a) Start shouting “ Check out the big brain of ( your principals name)”
b) Go greet him/her and touch his/her feet.
c) Grab a chair and smash it in his/her face.

4. You’re at a construction site of the newly approved archipelago of luxury hotels with the engineer. You
a) Use crane for swinging about in the air and sing "Yeh Dil Deewana" from Pardes.
b) Roam around applauding the progress.
c) Grab a brick and smash it in engineer’s face.

5. Its your 10th anniversary of a turbulent marriage . You
a) get high with your soul-mate and roam about the streets.
b) take her out for dinner and spend time together.
c)order a cake and smash it in her face.

6. You’re playing "mohalla cricket" to impress the blonde haired hottie who lives in your block and the umpire gives you out. You
a) mimic him and tell him that he should raise a different finger if he wants to go pee.
b) do a Gilchrist, walk off shaking your head.
c) smash the bat in umpire’s face.

7.You meet Katrina Kaif walking on the beach. You
a) whistle aloud shouting that she’s an amazing item.
b) compliment her and ask her if she’ll marry you
c) grab a crab and smash it in her face.

8) You meet a bearded beggar at the traffic lights with 3 painful minutes before the light tuns green. You,
a) laugh at him and tell him to get a Gillette Mach 3 razor.
b) sympathise and part off with some money.
c) grab his bowl and smash it in his face.

9. You win a baby slapping competition creating a record with 113 slaps in 1 minute and are awarded a trophy. You
a) give a one hour long speech thanking each and every person you know.
b) shake hands with the chief guest and gracefully except it.
c) smash the trophy in chief guest’s face.

10.Your always cribbing lady neighbour shows you her newly adopted puppy. You
a) paint its fur crimson and tell her that now it matches with her lipstick shade.
b) hold it and mention what a fine breed it is.
c) hold the puppy by its legs and smash it in your neighbours face.

Now all the A’s are for two points, B’s are for one and C’s are for zero. Talking in CAT terms, a score of 20 gives 100 percentile. I hope you can calculate where you stand.

P.S. Even if you have a single C, damn you’re a maniac. Get away from my blog